the one about how I’m back

Over three months ago, I shared a very vulnerable post regarding my experience with depression. As soon as I hit “publish,” I literally felt naked. Exposed. Completely bare. I’ve been vulnerable before. I’ve shared secrets and experiences that made me cringe (like when I drank poop water once). I’ve just never been vulnerable like this.

So then, like any other writer, I wallowed in a vulnerability hangover. I wondered if I shared too much. I stepped away from my blog completely. I received a lot of beautiful texts from friends offering their support, and I instantly felt compelled to respond with something humorous or sarcastic just to deflect from all the feels.

But I sat in it. I sat in the awkwardness, the hot car with no ventilation in the summer, the stuffy elevator, the feeling of “I just released a toxic skunk spray of emotions into the world wide web and now I gotta just breathe it all in.” I let people hug me. I let people know me.

And after this break from writing and exposing myself, I have come to the realization that I don’t regret my skunk spray of emotions one bit. It felt raw and real to put myself out there like that, and raw and real feels so good in today’s world of fake and filtered.

“The part can never be well unless the whole is well.” – Plato

As humans, we are the sum of many parts – physical, mental, spiritual. I realized that there’s no way for me to completely be well if I am not willing to address all of these wounded parts. 

I had physical pain. I described it in my post – but the shortened version is that I had migraines nearly every day and tingling and pain in my neck, arm, and hand. This lasted for months. I was barely able to function. Thank God for granola bars and frozen waffles, otherwise my children likely would have perished. I did tons of blood work, met with many doctors, and completed two MRIs, only to be told I’m perfectly healthy.

Neat.

After several weeks of physical therapy, consuming a variety of pain medicine, and buying any kind of neck gadget you could find on Amazon, I decided to try something different. I began treatment with a myopractic therapist, and within a few weeks, the pain in my neck and arm were gone and my headaches became nonexistent. 

I had mental anguish. The physical pain only complicated my mood and emotions, but I had a lot of issuezzz that needed to be dealt with. From feeling not good enough to wondering what my life’s passion and calling were to how to communicate better in my marriage to the constant fear of people not liking me…I had 30+ years of feelings to sort through. I started seeing a therapist in the summer of 2018, which was the best choice I ever made for myself. The second best choice, however, was adding antidepressant medication.

I had a lot of reasons for not taking medicine for my mood. I was worried about being “the crazy lady.” I was nervous about side effects. I was afraid people would think poorly of me or just insist that there was a more natural way to feel better. I thought that taking medicine meant that I was a bad mother. I held out as long as I could, until I said the words out loud. “I can’t live another day like this.” 

So I chose not to. 

And if you have a problem with that, you’re in luck — it’s my body and my life, not yours.

It wasn’t an instant fix. I spent the first month wondering when the “happy” would kick in, and it didn’t really. So my doctor upped the dose a little and that did the trick. It’s not to say I don’t still get sad or frustrated or angry, but I am no longer crying in bed for hours at a time, and I call that a huge improvement.

While my spiritual side wasn’t wounded, it definitely has been challenged throughout the last 6 months. I have been tempted to question why God would allow me to experience such agony. I have wanted to hide away from the entire world, which includes my church and faith community. Shame kept me from ever feeling completely open and honest, even with God. But He never gave up on me. He never stopped pursuing me. He never let me fall away and become invisible like I wanted to so badly.

It wasn’t until the intersection of all three areas – physical health, mental health, and spiritual health – that I felt truly well. It’s not a perfect picture. I have setbacks every week in one way or another, but I am motivated to keep moving forward. 

So for all those who sent encouraging words or prayed for me or just cheered me on after my last post, I really appreciate it. It didn’t go unnoticed, and it was truly very helpful.

It feels really good to be back.