My goal this year is to write more. I don’t know what that looks like or what that entails, but I just want to be more consistent. Every time I feel like I should just take this blog out back and shoot it, someone comes out of the woodwork to tell me how much they enjoy reading it. I feel like it is a sign from God that I should keep going.
I just had my fifth baby, our sweet baby girl, Annie Kate, and so all things postpartum are at the forefront of my mind. I am in the thick of it for sure. She just turned 7 weeks old, and at 1:00 this morning, I was doing the math on how many nursing sessions I have had with her in the past 50 days. I estimated 6-8 feedings a day (7 on average) for 50 days, and we are at 350 nursing sessions. Each session is roughly 30 minutes, so we now have 175 hours of breastfeeding under our belts. These are the things that run through my mind in the wee hours of the morning. While my husband sleeps. I digress…
Aside from computing how many hours I have spent nursing my child, I have also had this thought on my mind — what are the best ways to support a new mom in the days and weeks following the birth of her child?
I have been immensely (immensely) blessed throughout each of my pregnancies and postpartum phases with support and love and help and all the things. Believe me when I say that I know not everyone is that lucky. I call it luck because I don’t believe it has anything to do with me or anything I did to deserve it. I think I truly just lucked out in being surrounded by the right people.
Let me also just say that postpartum depression can happen to any mom, for any reason, and it doesn’t matter what kind of support system you have – it can still happen. The ideas I am about to list are not to suggest that they will keep a woman from feeling hopeless, desperate, upside down, emotional, anxious, or depressed. A new (or experienced) mom can feel all of these regardless of how much encouragement and love she has.
Throughout the ups and downs of the postpartum period, I have found the following to be extremely helpful. If you know a mama who just welcomed a new baby into her family, I hope you pull from these ideas and bless her in some way.
Set up a meal train or bring a meal.
Our baby girl was born in mid November, and we have consistently had friends bringing meals to us three times a week ever since. There has been no bigger blessing than not having to worry about dinner a few nights a week. Meal planning, grocery shopping, and cooking take up a lot of my time as a mom, and having a brief reprieve of those responsibilities allows me to enjoy the newborn stage much more.
Setting up a meal train for a new mom is such a great idea. You can use a website such as Meal Train, Take Them A Meal, or Sign Up Genius. The online sign ups are easy to share via Facebook, email, or text message, and you can input important info such as drop-off time preferences and favorite/least favorite foods. If participants share what they are going to be bringing on the sign up, it helps to eliminate repetitive meals (such as 2 solid weeks of chicken casserole).
If your friend is pregnant or just had a baby, please do her a favor and tell her you are setting up a meal train for her. Don’t ask her if she wants one (unless her family has food allergies). Just do it. Who turns down free meals? ((Crickets)) Share the meal train link with her friends and family and help get it filled up!
If someone else set up a meal train (or if she is funny about having one set up for her), insist on bringing her family a meal. Ask her what her kids like to eat, or even ask where her favorite carry-out is from and offer to pick that up instead. Include muffins or a breakfast casserole for the next morning, too!
Also helpful? Tell her that she doesn’t even have to answer the door if she doesn’t want to. You can leave her meal on the porch if she prefers. This takes the pressure off of looking presentable, having a picked up house, or making coherent conversation.
Bring a gift for Mama.
Babies get so many gifts. Baby showers generate tons of goodies, and many people bring gifts when they visit the baby in the hospital or at home. Don’t get me wrong — give me all the sweet baby outfits and hair bows. I love it all!
However, I have been particularly touched when friends have brought something just for me — a bottle of my favorite wine, a delivery of my Starbucks drink, a fun magazine or book, or gift cards to my favorite stores. It is really hard to be a “new” mom, even if it is not your first baby. It’s easy to put yourself last on the list. It’s difficult to spend money on things that you might consider frivolous purchases. Gifting a mom with something that is just for her is a great way to show support and encourage a little self-care during this transitional time. It also says, “Hey, YOU just birthed a human and dammit, you deserve something, too!”
It doesn’t have to be anything expensive. Sending a text to say “I am swinging through the McDonald’s drive-thru, can I bring you a Diet Coke?” might make her entire day. Even better — don’t ask her if she wants one. She might feel weird about accepting the offer. Buy it and drop it off to her. I would never, ever be angry about a surprise Diet Coke on my doorstep.
Make the siblings feel special.
Obviously, if your friend is a first-time mom, this suggestion won’t apply, but if your friend is like me and has more than one child, it is extremely helpful to make the older siblings feel special. Not only does this help the child(ren) to feel included and important, but it also helps Mama because she likely has a lot of guilt about not being able to spend as much time with her other kids.
Invite older siblings over for play dates, take them out to lunch, dinner, or a movie, offer to pick them up from school and bring them home. Bring a gift for the siblings when you visit the baby — bonus points if the gift doesn’t have 1,000 pieces or involve markers (Mom will thank you).
Everyone says that you should nap when the baby naps, but that advice can be thrown out the window when there are other children who need supervision and attention while the baby is sleeping. Offer to take the older kids out for a while so that a fantasy nap can actually become a reality for her.
Check back often.
The first few weeks after a baby is born are so deliriously foggy. They are also when people tend to be most interested in helping and visiting. Everyone wants to hold a fresh, new baby!
Before long, however, the weeks turn into months, and Mama is no less tired than she was when the baby was a few days old. She likely is even more exhausted. She might have returned to work and is now dealing with all kinds of stress related to being a working mom. She is trying to figure out this new normal and how to make everything fit back together. The meal train has probably ended, she has used up all her Starbucks gift cards, and she now feels like she is on her own.
Keep checking in with her. Send texts. Ask how she is doing. Offer to bring her coffee or invite her out to dinner. Bring her family another meal. Drop off a stack of paper plates and plastic forks so that she can take a break from doing dishes for the week. Offer to babysit for a few hours so she can have some time to herself.
I don’t believe there is a wrong way to help a new mom as long as the gesture comes from the heart. She will likely be very touched that you took the time to acknowledge this exciting, yet exhausting, time in her life. The point is, just do something to show you care — and if you happen to choose something from this list, even better.
