For the past couple of years, Luke and I have poured almost every ounce of our energy into raising our four young children and building our dream house. I have written about it before, but when Luke decided to take on the task of being our general contractor, he also committed to spending nearly every evening from 7:00 pm until midnight for months — almost a year. In the middle of that, we endured a stressful pregnancy with Leo and adjusting to life with a newborn. Luke and I barely saw each other, and when we did, we definitely weren’t our best selves due to lack of sleep and incredible stress.
Every now and then, we will hear comments such as, “I don’t know how you did all of that!” or “How did you survive all of the stress?” The truth is, while we physically survived, mentally and emotionally we were half dead.
It all came to a volcanic eruption several months ago when we both realized that we were at a crossroads. We could either keep going how we were — merely putting one foot in front of the other, continuing to ignore the fact that we are about a million hours behind in quality time. Or we could decide to take control and change what we could about the situation.
We decided to commit ourselves to making up for all of the lost time, and we would do that with weekly date nights.
I can almost feel the eye rolls through the screen!
There’s something about the phrase “date night” that just conjures up imagery of a couple eating sushi and hitting up Home Depot just for fun. It seems a little corny and feels a little contrived, but we decided that we had to set aside the time for a date each week – and the happiness of our marriage depended on it.
Prior to instituting this weekly event, we went on dates maybe once every couple of months. Getting a babysitter and finding the time to go out was a chore. And because of this, when we did have time to go on a date, there were very high expectations — expensive restaurants and new experiences because we didn’t know when we would get the chance to go out again!
We also used to be really good at keeping score on each other. I knew exactly how many times Luke had gone out with friends or gone on a golf trip or done some other fun thing — and I kept count because I was jealous. I didn’t understand how he had all the time to do all of that, and yet we were only seldom going places as a couple.
When we began our weekly dates at the beginning of the summer, I no longer felt the need to keep score on him because I knew we would get our chance to do something special every Monday night. It’s non-negotiable, and if date night needs to be moved or canceled, there is a discussion about it. Obviously, things come up and we have to be flexible, but it is never changed without talking about it first.
Weekly dates allow us to keep things casual. Sometimes we just pick up sushi from the grocery store and eat it in the car before we catch a movie. Other times, we enjoy a sit down restaurant and grab coffee after. A lot of times, we end up at Target or Menard’s and just walk the aisles like all the dorky TV couples do. No matter what we do, however, we are able to speak in complete sentences without the interruptions of our children. This is very important!
We initially thought about alternating between going out dates and staying home dates– make a nice dinner and enjoy it in peace after the kids go to bed. However, when we tried to do that, our children kept coming out of their room (they must have just known), and it ended up being stressful and not restorative. In order for us to full relax and enjoy our time together, we needed to be out of our house and away from the housework, TVs, and, well…the kids.
It wasn’t until we sold our other house (we were carrying two mortgages for well over a year) that we were financially willing to take this on. We needed to structure our budget in a way that allowed for this kind of spending, because we do get a babysitter every time. Thankfully, we have a standing “Monday night” arrangement with our babysitter, so we never have to scramble for someone and she knows the children well. It still stings the wallet a little to pay each and every time, but we know this is an investment in our marriage – and a happy marriage will only benefit our family in the end.
I love the example we are setting for our children. They know that Monday nights are date night. They don’t ask or question it. They just know. In the beginning, we had to explain to them that it is important for mama and papa to spend time together, and that it will allow us to be better parents to them. After several weeks of this, they have come to expect it. I hope that we are showing them that investing in marriage is important.
It can feel like society sends us the message that marriage is supposed to be hard. And I get that sentiment, because there are times when you are faced with challenges and you have to be willing to put in the work — but I also don’t believe that it should be a struggle. Or that it should be unhappy. Or that we should just accept that things aren’t the way we hoped they would be.
Adding in a weekly date night was an easy, simple fix that has made a huge difference in our relationship. I highly recommend it to all couples, but if weekly isn’t feasible, even setting a monthly date on the calendar could make a huge impact. What about setting your alarm to get up one hour earlier, one day each week, so that you can enjoy coffee and conversation together without interruption? We would totally do that, but our children wake up incredibly early.
It all adds up to a healthier marriage and a much happier family.
