This dream began years ago.

We were going to buy this beautiful 40 acre property just a couple houses down from his parents’ home. We were going to renovate the 75 year old house that sat upon the land. We would live there and be happy.

The end.

No. That’s not what happened.

Sometime in 2015, we entered into an agreement to purchase the land and home. At some point in 2016, we began meeting with a general contractor and an architect and decided that the house would be better off demolished and built new as opposed to renovating the existing home. By the end of 2016, the contractor we had been working with for 8 months dumped us, leaving us confused, angry, and hopeless. At the beginning of 2017, we had a new plan, and we were the general contractors. The old house came down, a new one started to go up, and now, at the end of the first quarter of 2018, we are about to move in. For real. It’s happening.

While this is very much a new beginning, it is also an ending to a very tumultuous 18 months. To say we have “learned a lot” through this process is the understatement of the year. We have learned an incredible amount of life lessons, and I’d like to take the time to reflect on them.

1. Subcontractors are human beings, too.

Probably not what you expected me to say, huh? It is no secret from past posts or my Facebook that we have had a heck of a time with some of our subcontractors. I have complained and vented so many times about them that I have literally grown tired of doing it.

We were warned that this would be a difficult aspect of managing the project on our own, and all the warnings were correct. However, we are all human who are capable of making mistakes and doing wrong to others. You and I probably do it everyday. While we have had people fail to meet our expectations and quite honestly do things that we could probably seek legal restitution for, we are choosing to accept that these are instances of human error that we will forgive. It is for our own sanity and peace of mind that we let these injustices go. When humans build houses, there will be flaws. Things will not be done perfectly like they would be done with a machine or a computer. There is a certain amount of imperfection that we must accept. The unprofessionalism is a little harder to swallow, but we are working on it.

2. Everyone has “a guy.”

In our quest for the perfect subcontractors, we solicited a ton of advice from friends and family, both in person and on Facebook. What we found was that everyone has “a guy,” meaning that everyone has a person who they swear by…a person they would recommend for the job. We took many of those recommendations seriously and reached out to “their guys,” many times just to have no-shows, poor service, or terrible experiences. How could that be possible? How could our very reputable, solid friends and family have a positive experience with a person, recommend that person to us, and then we have a completely different experience? It seems to be that construction is finicky that way. While crowd-sourcing and getting a lot of opinions from friends and family can be reassuring and almost addicting, it can sometimes lead to more confusion, hurt feelings, and dead-ends. Many times, your best friend’s “guy” or your dad’s “guy” is not any more reputable or professional than the “guy” you find on your own.

3. Your marriage will be tested.

People joke all the time, saying, “Well, you guys have built a house and are still married, so that’s something!” And that’s the truth. That is something. I would say that Luke and I have a very solid relationship. We have been together for 17 years now. Our bond has been tested many times. We attended separate colleges. We endured all the financial, physical, academic, and emotional stresses of medical school and residency. We have four children and have had two miscarriages. And of course, there’s all of the other “normal” highs and lows of a young married couple.

But nothing, and I do mean absolutely nothing, prepared us for what we would go through while building this house. It isn’t just disagreeing over paint colors or wanting different finishes on the counter tops. It’s dealing with unexpected setbacks with added expenses, and wondering where that money is going to come from. It’s managing panic attacks and anxiety and stress and putting on a brave face for each other, even when we are completely and totally faking it. It’s seeing your husband for an hour after work before he turns around and goes back out to the house until midnight. It’s shouldering disappointment and sadness from the children who rarely see their dad in the evenings and on weekends, and feeling personal resentment for all of the date nights we don’t get, the trips we don’t take, or the conversations we don’t have out of pure lack of time to be together. It’s snapping at each other over wanting the other person to recognize how hard it is to (fill in the blank: manage an entire home project, work a full-time job and then work at night at the house, do bedtime with four children alone, manage all of the household tasks and chores alone, etc). We have had many difficult conversations, emotional outbursts, angry door slams, and times where we have said, “I wish we never would have taken this project on to begin with.” But, here we are. Together. And we are going to be OK.

4. Penny wise, pound foolish is a thing.

We set out at the beginning of this project thinking we would be the ultimate thrifters — we could find things at bargain prices, utilizing closeout sales, overstock companies, and flea markets. That sounded like a great way to save money and add character to our house. However, we learned the hard way, many times, that sometimes saving some money up front meant having to ultimately spend more money in the end. I believe the phrase is “penny wise, pound foolish,” and I saw this come to life when we bought tile at a closeout store in Kentucky. We spent an entire day driving to this store, only to find that the warehouse was unexpectedly closed. Somehow, we begged someone to let us in. We had about an hour to make a decision on floor tile for several bathrooms in our house. We chose something that we thought was a good deal and went on our way. Even though the tile was a good price, we discovered when it was time to lay the tile that a large majority of it was damaged and could not be used. We ended up having to buy new tile for our master bathroom. I haven’t done the math (because I don’t want to know) on how much money was wasted on the damaged tile. Sometimes, it is better to just buy items from a store or specialized company so that you know you are getting a good product AND you have recourse if the product is damaged. Buying from a closeout place is tempting because of the prices, but if you have damage or any issues, they will be of no help to you.

We purchased our stove and fridge from an appliance store in town that was closing. We got the items at a great price, and they are very nice appliances, but we have no recourse if the items do not work. So far, so good, but we had to order additional parts for our stove because we bought the floor model and a couple pieces were missing. What we thought would be $20 parts online ended up being a couple hundred dollars’ worth. In the end, we probably should have purchased from a store that was not going out of business, but the temptation to get something at 50% was too great for us to resist.

Let’s not forget that your time is very valuable — literally, it’s priceless. So on the day that we spent messing around with buying the tile at the closeout shop, we lost about 12 hours of time that we couldn’t get back. When I think about assigning a monetary value on our time, it makes the cost of that tile all the more expensive and therefore even more worthless when we couldn’t used the majority of it. Time is not free!

My husband initially did not make any allowances in our budget for paying painters or people to lay the tile. He figured these were jobs we could do ourselves to save money. We eventually decided to pay people to do these jobs (even though our painters left a lot to be desired and lot for us to touch up on our own) because we realized that the time we would spend doing these tasks would not only take away from the precious time we have with our children, but they also would pull my husband away from his job (which is loss of his vacation time) or prevent him from taking on moonlighting opportunities (that would cover the expense of paying a professional to take care of the jobs for us). Additionally, when you aren’t a professional, you typically have to buy a lot of extra tools and supplies that you don’t have just to get the job done, whereas a professional would have those already.

It all adds up. Tools, supplies, time, etc. Sometimes it simply isn’t worth it (financially, emotionally) to DIY everything.

5. Gratitude will make up the difference.

When I think back on the past 18 months of our lives, I sometimes struggle to find anything positive to say. The big, major setbacks we have experienced seem to stand out most prominently, and they tend to be the first things I think about. However, if I can move those roadblocks out of the way, I find so much to be thankful for. When we have been at our lowest, most anxious, most stressed out, most down-and-out levels, I have had to dig deep to find my gratitude.

First off, the opportunity to build a dream home is something to be thankful for. I honestly never thought we would have the chance.

Thank you.

We have worked with some really great, professional people, despite any who have let us down.

Thank you.

We have learned so much about ourselves as individuals and as a couple as a result of this process.

Thank you.

Thus far, this project has been the single, biggest stressor in our almost 11 year marriage — and in the grand scheme, that is pretty minor.

Thank you.

Our children will grow up surrounded by trees & dirt, a night sky filled with stars they can see clearly without ambient city light, and they will hear the birds and the wind and a coyote or two. They will have a memorable, happy life at their new home.

Thank you.

So for all of the shortcomings, the setbacks, the challenges, and the letdowns, I will let gratitude make up the difference.

Thank you.

It has been almost three months since I last updated about the house…. or about anything really. I have mentioned it before, but I struggle with writer’s block from time to time. I find that I struggle most with it when I have something really big and heavy weighing on my mind, and I really want to just confront it– address it– word vomit all over it– and then I can move on. I am trying to discern how best to move past my block this time, and if history has taught me anything, it is that I should just keep writing and see what happens.

So, the house. We are asked weekly, sometimes daily, by friends and family — “How is the house coming along?” I usually say something, “Well, it’s coming!” Or, “It’s still there!” Or, “It’s a process!” All of those things are true. The house IS coming along. The house IS still there. The house IS a process.

Back in February, when we tore down the old house and started on the new, I said, “I just want to be in by Christmas.” At the time, that was 10 months and an entire baby away from actually happening. But here we are, a couple weeks away from Thanksgiving, and that baby is almost 6 months old…and I honestly don’t know if we will be finished by Christmas. In fact, if I am being realistic, I would say there is no way we will be finished with the house by Christmas — let alone moved in.

And that is just going to have to be OK.

I’ve pictured waking up there on Christmas morning so many times in my mind that I can see it so clearly. I can smell it. I can hear it. I see the tree standing tall in the great room.  I see the kids bumbling out of their new bedrooms, eager to see that Santa came. It is hard to let go of expectations, and I was leery of getting my hopes up to begin with. It felt like Christmas was so far away — but as with most things, time zooms by and here we are.

We are not failures because we missed this deadline. We will, eventually, celebrate our first Christmas in this house — this house built on dreams and love and hard work. I have a feeling next Christmas will roll around just as quickly as this one did.

It’s not to say that there hasn’t been a ton of progress since my last update. The last time I wrote about the house, we had just picked light fixtures. The whole house didn’t even have siding on it. The porch wasn’t on yet. We have come a very long way since then, and that was only a couple of months ago.

Siding is all up. Porch is built. Spray foam insulation is in. Dry wall is up. Hardwood floors have been laid. Tile is going down. HVAC is getting hooked up and electricians are coming back to install our lights. Ceilings and a few walls have been painted. The rest of the house will be painted soon. Carpet and flooring for the lower level have been ordered. Then it will be installing cabinets, hooking up appliances, hanging doors and trim — there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and I am starting to see it. It’s a tiny, faint, gentle flicker of a light, but it is there.

I struggle dearly with patience. With adjusting my expectations. With staying positive when things get difficult. I am choosing to believe that this journey we have been on with the Tree HousE has been entirely on purpose. God is teaching me how to wait. He is helping me to grow, adapt, and adjust my sails when the wind changes direction. So much of this experience has been beyond our control. Like being angry with the weather — there’s simply nothing you can do about it and getting upset changes nothing.

I want to be honest with you. This project has been a huge challenge in our marriage. When you go into something like this, you think that you and your spouse may argue about what color to paint the walls. You envision disagreements about the type of countertops you purchase. What I never imagined was how much of Luke’s free time would be consumed by monitoring the progress of the house and doing many tasks himself. Many nights each week, Luke is out at the house from just after dinner until he finds me asleep on the couch waiting for him to return. Many weekends are spent with him out there and me at home with the kids. We don’t have date nights anymore, and on the off-chance that we get a couple of hours to go out together, a trip to Lowe’s or Menard’s is always included. With Luke assuming the role of general contractor, he is required to be accessible by so many people, and unfortunately, it feels like his family has the least access to him of all. I don’t write this to make anyone feel sorry for me. I don’t write this to make him feel or look bad. I am simply stating a reality of this house project that we simply did not foresee. In our 10 years of marriage, we haven’t really faced too many daunting challenges. We’ve had ups and downs. We’ve bought houses and sold houses and moved a few times. We’ve done the “live off of a teacher’s salary” thing and the “study a million hours a week” thing. We’ve had four beautiful children and lost two pregnancies. But nothing has tried to drive us to insanity the way that this house has. He misses going for runs after work or playing basketball at church with his friends. I miss having conversations that don’t involve the words “square footage” or “budget” or “estimate.” We have had to reach for ways to connect amidst a nearly impossible amount of distractions, tasks, and to-dos, but at the center of it all is a united dream of us sitting on our new couch in our new house, him drinking coffee and me drinking wine, looking out our new windows at our old woods, together.

Thanks for going on this journey with us. Here are some updated photos:

Laboring over which shade of white we should choose for the great room/kitchen/hall (we chose the lower left — Benjamin Moore White Diamond).

White Diamond is perfect.

Wood floors going down — thank you to Heintzelman Hardwood Floors.

Working on finishing the interior doors. Fireplace will be refinished soon.

Kitchen floor tile.

Great room ceiling fans going in.

Exterior lights installed (don’t mind the touch-ups/caulking needed on the siding).

Painting has begun! This is the lower level family room. Sherwin Williams Dark Night (deep navy/teal) as accent and Rock Candy (airy gray) throughout.