I said I’d show up.

And here I am.

It’s late. I meant to write earlier today, but I didn’t. I ran out of time, and now I am thinking about all the excuses I can use to get myself out of writing today.

But I am not going to do that. It’s only day 2. I am not going to give up that easily.

Not like I did when I was in labor with Noelle. The pitocin had been on for not even 5 minutes, and I was crying for the epidural. I still wonder if there is a wall in that hospital where a picture of me hangs – underneath it, a plaque that reads, “Record holder for least amount of time in labor before wanting the epidural.”

In all aspects of my life, I like to have a plan. When I was a little girl, I planned my entire wedding out of the special bridal edition of the JCPenney catalog. I knew what color my bridesmaids dresses were going to be (dusty peach) and what item number they were for easy ordering (J47). It made me feel good to plan. At an early age, I wanted that control.

Because of this, it is difficult for me to adjust my sails when the wind changes. I committed to being a teacher for the rest of my life. I was going to be one of those teachers they would honor and recognize at a 5 hour retirement ceremony with hoards of former students coming back to tell me how I influenced their lives. I could see my entire career standing freshly beyond the threshold of my college graduation.

So when I felt it in my heart to walk away from my teaching career after only 6 years of full-time elementary teaching and 3 years of part-time preschool teaching, you can imagine the internal turmoil. I emptied my classroom without a retirement party, or any party for that matter. I see former students at the grocery store, and some of them don’t even recognize me.

My life doesn’t look exactly like I thought it would, and I am learning to be alright with that.

My wedding dress also looked nothing like the pretty little number I circled in the 1993 JCPenney catalog, praise Jesus.

It’s ok to not know what the end may look like before you even begin.

When I sat down to write this evening, I didn’t know what I was going to write about, how I was going to start, or how it was going to end — and as uncomfortable as that makes me, I am learning to push through that discomfort. I truly believe that is where we grow.

The way your skin crawls when something feels awkward or uncertain? You’re growing. The way your heart thumps and your mind races when you start something new? You’re growing. The way your stomach growls and your hands tremble? You’re just hungry. You’re hungry and you need to eat. You can’t grow on an empty stomach.

Plan. Adjust. Grow. Repeat.

It has been a long while since I sat down and translated the jumbled mess of thoughts in my brain into words that made sense. The chaos of the last several weeks has gotten the best of me, and though I have found myself with a full tank of thoughts to express, I have not the slightest bit of energy or motivation to do anything with them.

Like most things, when you get out of the habit, it feels exhausting to think about jumping back on the wagon. Whether it’s eating better, exercising, or spending less time on your phone, when you make a little progress and than have a relapse, you find yourself at a crossroads. You can keep going, no matter how hard it is to start over, or you can quit and pretend like you never tried it in the first place.

Writing this blog is like that for me. Expressing myself through written word is one of my favorite things. It is cathartic. It is healing. It is exciting. But it is also draining. Pouring your heart out, knowing someone else is going to read it, wondering if it will sound the way you wanted it to, and feeling that vulnerability hangover after you press “publish” can be exhausting. And yet, I find myself loving it and wanting to keep going – for no one else but me.

So I thought to myself, “What if I committed to writing something everyday for 30 days?” I would do it for no other reason than to say that I didn’t give up on something – just once. I’ve started training for races that I never ultimately signed up for. I’ve written goals in notebooks that never had the slightest bit of life breathed into them. I’ve given up Diet Coke and Starbucks and fast food and Cadbury Eggs too many times to count, only to return to my vices with open arms.

My point is that I’m a starter, and I’m also a quitter.

But for 30 days, the whole month of November, I am going to show up here. I don’t care if anyone else shows up. I just know that I am going to. I can’t see the end from here. I have no idea what day 30 will look like (or even day 2), but I do know that I am not going to quit this time.

What could you do for 30 days straight? Aside from eat Pumpkin Delights and drink ice cold Moscato? Oh, just me?

What good could you do for yourself for 30 days straight?

See you tomorrow.

It was Ash Wednesday, the first day of Lent, and I was thinking about what I was going to “give up” for 40 days. I have done different sacrifices over the years, but nothing really “changed” me. Now, I am not sure that is the purpose of the sacrifice, to be permanently changed, but it certainly is a nice by-product if that happens. I have given up chocolate and French fries before, but soon after Lent was over, I went right back to my old habits, forgetting completely the sacrifice ever happened to begin with. This year, since I am going through the process of becoming Catholic, I really wanted to give it a good effort.

I decided I was going to give up Starbucks. Not coffee, just Starbucks. I was going to Starbucks daily (occasionally twice daily). I couldn’t survive without it. I was forcing my three little ones into the car at 7:30 in the morning for the sole purpose of getting mama’s coffee. And then I would add on a piece of 400 calorie cinnamon coffee cake. And cake pops for the girls. And chocolate milk. Anything to make them happy to get in the car and go. It was an expensive and unhealthy habit– one I am almost embarrassed to admit!

So, not buying Starbucks during Lent would be a worthy sacrifice. Additionally, the money I saved from my daily habit would be turned into an extra donation at church. I am guessing this will be around a $200 savings.

I thought I had my plan all set when my friend, Christine, who is also Catholic, was telling me about her sacrifice — “unfollowing” everyone on Facebook. Yes. Unfollowing. Everyone. It seems extreme, huh?

If you were a member of Facebook back when it began, the Newsfeed wasn’t really a thing. Facebook was simply a collection of profiles of your friends, and you interacted with only who you wanted to interact with, and you didn’t have a running commentary of everything everyone was doing at all times. When the Newsfeed became a big deal, it became a way for us to easily compare ourselves to everyone else, whether we really wanted to or not because it was in our faces. It was hard to escape. Everyone’s opinions. Everyone’s vacations. Everyone’s drama. It was all there. All the time. And some of us, like myself, got sucked in.

I would check my Newsfeed first thing in the morning. I would check it in the car. I would check it on dates with my husband. I would check it when I was supposed to be playing with my kids. I would check my Newsfeed while in bed. I would check it during 3 AM feedings with Leo. There was never a time when it was off limits. Like my Starbucks habit, I, too, am embarrassed to admit all of this.

It was a true addiction. So Christine’s idea of “unfollowing” everyone on her Newsfeed was intriguing to me. A lot of people give up Facebook for Lent, but I had issues with doing that. One – I use Facebook for my photography business. I post photos for clients, and I was worried about controlling myself enough to use my Facebook only for business purposes. Two – I use Facebook to chronicle my own life. I enjoy looking back on the photos I have taken or the memories I have discussed on my Facebook page. I also use my Facebook to share and communicate with family.

Giving it up completely didn’t seem like a good idea, but removing every person, page, and group from my Newsfeed sounded like a great option! When I think about the negative side of Facebook, it all goes back to the Newsfeed. The waste of time, the mindless scrolling, the creeping on people’s posts, the gossip and drama, the envy, the black hole Facebook stalking… it would all be better if I didn’t have it in my face on the Newsfeed all the time, right?

So, that day, I figured out how to “unfollow” everyone. It was pretty easy. It took just a few minutes to do. I instantly felt a weight lifted off my shoulders. The only person who I could see on my Newsfeed was…me! I also kept two bloggers who I find inspiring and helpful, and my daughters’ school Facebook page for communication purposes, but that’s it.

My family. My best friends. My husband. Unfollowed. Additionally, I turned the notifications off, meaning that my phone no longer displays a red bubble with a number in it when someone comments on a photo of mine. You know that anxiety you feel when you see those red bubbles, indicating there is something you “need” to respond to? I don’t feel that anymore because those bubbles aren’t allowed.

I did the same for my email. I have over 95,000 emails (yep, you read that right), but I turned the notifications bubbles off and now I don’t feel that throat-tightening, itchy feeling that I used to feel when I saw that number in the red bubble.

Lastly, I turned off the sound notifications for text messages. I changed my settings so that my phone would only vibrate one, quick time when I received a text. It doesn’t make a noise. It doesn’t interrupt me. It doesn’t control me. I get to my texts when I can, and sometimes they have to wait.

It sounds incredibly stupid to say that “my phone doesn’t control me,” but for the longest time, it did. I was a slave to those red bubbles and alerts. I wasn’t disciplined enough to ignore them when I was busy. I would often stop what I was doing and answer them. I learned this from Allie Casazza — just because someone knows the digits to make my phone ding or chime or vibrate does not mean that they have the power to interrupt what I am doing. I say that with love — as I know that most people have no intention of “interrupting” me or demanding my attention when they text me — and I am just as big of a “texterrupter” (I made that up!) as anyone. I love to send texts. However, I also want whoever I am texting to exercise power and control over their own phones and respond when they feel like responding. If I have a pressing, emergent issue, I will call. I should not expect a text message to be answered instantly. The same goes for people who text me. If there is an emergency or something that requires immediate response, please call. Otherwise, you may not hear from me right away.

Lent is almost over, and I have already noticed HUGE improvements in my life, all because I “unfollowed” everyone and turned off my notifications.

I am more productive.

Without spending tons of time scrolling my Newsfeed and getting sucked into Facebook, I have so much more time to get things done. I am staying on top of my house (also due to decluttering). I am getting to tasks on my list that have been there for months. I used to spend far more time than I care to admit watching videos of women put on their makeup. I mean — fascinating, yes! But when I have a list a mile long of things to accomplish, I should probably put the makeup tutorials on the back burner.

I am more creative & original.

When you are constantly looking at what everyone else is doing, you are subconsciously being influenced. You start to think how others think. You start to do what others do. You start to wear what others wear. You start to like what others like. It’s just a herd mentality that we are naturally inclined to have. I noticed that my creativity was starting to fade and my inspiration was lacking. I was not coming up with new ideas to write about, and my mind was starting to feel stale. By not being influenced by others, I noticed that my own creativity started to skyrocket. All of a sudden, my mind was racing with new ideas — so much so that I had to start writing them down in a notebook so that my mind could rest at night.

I am less envious.

By the simple fact that I am unaware of who is on a vacation in Mexico and who got an amazing new car or whose husband surprised them with flowers “just because,” I am far less envious of other people. When it comes to this, ignorance is bliss. It is not that I am incapable of being happy for others, or that I am ungrateful for what I have, but it is amazing how jealous I can feel of people I barely know or interact with in real life — all because I am seeing their best, shiniest moments on Facebook.

I am spending less money.

As silly as it sounds, my Facebook Newsfeed was tempting me to spend money. Not only were well-placed advertisements capturing my interest, but hearing about the makeup, clothes, and household items that other people loved was subconsciously making me want all of those things! And there is nothing wrong with that…in fact, I love sharing what I love with my friends and realize that may tempt some others to want what I love, too. If that is bothering you, or if you are in a time where you need to cut back, please…”unfollow” me! I completely understand.

I don’t have FOMO.

Some might say, “but you miss out on all the news!” Or “You didn’t see that Sarah had her baby!” Or “What if you don’t see something that’s important?” Or “Don’t you want to feel connected?”

Well — I am still informed of what is going on in the world because I have my news shows on in the morning (sometimes…). It has been refreshing to have a break from political commentary and criticism. I am not saying we should bury our heads in the sand, but a little break from all of “the news” can really be great for the soul.

I am certain I have missed out on a few babies being born or awesome job promotions or fun events in the area, but I am learning to be OK with that, and it feels good to have power over FOMO.

“Important” is a relative term. What is important to you may not be important to me, and that is alright! In my season of life, my children are too young to be involved in a lot of extra things, so our family just doesn’t need a ton of outside information and updates. We don’t feel like we are missing out by not seeing every event, program, camp, club, or sport registration. If a friend of mine is going through something that is really difficult or requiring a lot of prayer and support, I am sure I will learn of it via a call, text, or personal conversation. If I don’t know about it because it was only posted to Facebook and not personally communicated to me, it likely was none of my business to begin with.

As for feeling connected — remarkably, I haven’t noticed any change. I don’t feel like I am out in outer space. I don’t feel alone (or any more so alone than I was already feeling seeing as how I don’t see many adults on a daily basis). I still have friends who I text with and see at my daughters’ school. I am still involved in my organizations and get to catch up. In fact, I am able to focus more on the connections that really matter to me, and thus — I quite possibly feel more connected!

I have heard some say that they just selectively “unfollow” the people on the Newsfeeds who they don’t have an authentic connection with, who they aren’t friends with in “real life,” who annoy them with their dramatic posts, etc, and that is one way to do it (and I have done that before), but the mindless scrolling can still happen, and that was my Achilles Heel. It’s not that I was just wanting to ignore all of the people who may annoy or frustrating me. It’s that I was also wanting a break in the temptation to over-absorb myself in the lives of the people I care a lot about.

There are many ways to “control” your phone and your Facebook, as opposed to letting them control you. The point is to take action. Just do it. What began as a 40 day Lenten sacrifice may very well turn into a permanent lifestyle change.

Interested in “unfollowing?” Here’s how to do it:

Note that you need to be logged into Facebook on your Internet browser, NOT the app.

Step 1: Click the down arrow at the top right of your screen and click on “News Feed Preferences.”

Step 2: Click on “unfollow people to hide their posts.”

Step 3: Click on every person, group, or page that you wish to unfollow. You may have to go through the list a couple of times since it will repopulate after each “batch” you unfollow.