I went to Target today.

I know. No one is shocked.

Anyway, I went to Target and immediately fell in love with all of the new Christmas decorations they have in the store, right next to the Halloween items now 70% off. I managed to leave with a new Christmas tree skirt, a wreath, and a tiny bit left of my bank account.

I called my best friend on the way home and warned her that she should not go to Target as everything was so pretty tempting. We talked for a little bit about the upcoming season, and then she said, “Really, this is the best time of year, right now. We aren’t overwhelmed with things to do yet, and we have everything to look forward to. This is the fun part!”

I have been thinking about this conversation for several hours now, and what I keep coming back to is the difference between waiting and anticipating.

The holidays are full of anticipation. We plan and choreograph everything from family gatherings to holiday meals to breakfasts with Santa to decorations for our homes. We are joyful and excited as we count down the days.

Holidays aren’t the only occasions we anticipate. My girls began counting down to their birthdays months in advance. They even made countdown calendars to the school book fair. They love to look forward to things, and I think that is a trait a lot of us share, children and adults alike.

But what about waiting? Why is that so much harder to do? It’s the same concept as anticipation of the holidays or a birthday or a book fair. We want something, and it isn’t ready yet. So we must wait. We must find a way to pass the time so we don’t go insane. And yet for me, waiting is so, so different.

Whether it was waiting to receive an interview for my first teaching job, or waiting for my first (or second or third or fourth) baby, or waiting for our house to be built, or waiting for my husband to get home after a long day of mom life… waiting nearly kills me, every time.

Why can’t I “wait” with the same joy that I “anticipate?” Why can’t my children wait for their chicken nuggets to cook with the same joy that they anticipate what Santa might leave them on Christmas Eve?

You could say that the reason why it is easier to anticipate an exciting holiday season than it is to wait for something like a phone call from your doctor is because one is a happy occasion and the other might not be.

But Friends, we don’t know any of that for sure. We don’t know if the holidays will be full of the merriment and wonder that we so very much wish for, and we also don’t know if every medical test, meeting with the boss, or delayed reply to your last text message will bring bad news.

We don’t know.

The only difference between waiting and joyful anticipation is our own attitude about it. The best part is that we have the power to change all of that. We can turn waiting from a time of worry and anxiousness into a time of excitement and hope, simply by changing our mindset.

And also by reminding ourselves of the truth.

“Jesus replied, ‘You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.” – John 13:7

We are given many opportunities to practice patience in our lifetime. It could be something as simple as anticipating Christmas, and it could be something as gut-wrenching as waiting to become pregnant – but God knows what He is doing.

We can wait with worry or anticipate with joy. The time will pass anyway.

We are now a few days into November, which means the busy holiday season is upon us. While this is an exciting, busy, and happy time for many, it also can be several weeks overstuffed with stress and chaos.  

I have found that when I start to feel the effects of too many events on the calendar, I turn to regaining control of my life by way of cleaning and decluttering. Few things help me to relax and calm down more than putting away visible clutter and getting everything back in its place.

There are a few posts on my blog that discuss how I have learned to declutter (and therefore, destress) from Allie Casazza. Prior to our move, I tackled nearly every room in our house to ruthlessly purge everything we didn’t want to take with us, and I could not have been happier.

I have only just begun to play ‘NSYNC’s Christmas album, yet I am already feeling a little hot flashy and itchy when I think about everything we have going on between now and New Year’s Eve. I desperately want to enjoy this time with my precious kiddos, and I know that keeping my stress and anxiety at bay will be super important in the coming weeks.

When feelings overwhelm and panic started to take over today, I went to my pantry and got a trash bag. I decided to take back some control and do a “3-Pass.”

What is a “3-Pass?”

Put your Disney app away, Ladies. It’s not a Fast-Pass (although I feel like I could utilize the Fast-Pass system so much in my non-Disney life— skip to the front of the checkout at Target, anyone?).

A “3-Pass” is a quick cleaning and decluttering method I invented to help keep our busy house of 6 under control. I go through each room of the house (all bathrooms included) three times. I spend under a minute in each room, moving quickly and efficiently. Each pass, I have a different mission. I don’t stray from what I am there to do. I don’t dive into recorganizing closets or any other daunting task. I keep it simple and fast. 

First Pass: Throw away any trash. This is why I get a big trash bag before I begin. I empty all trash cans from the bathrooms, look for any candy wrappers under the girls’ beds, pitch any scrap pieces of paper, recycle any water bottles, etc. I am not allowed to do anything else while I am in each room. Just get the trash and get out.

Second Pass: Remove any items from the room that belong in a different room. My girls occasionally drag toys into their room that belong downstairs. Sometimes coats and shoes are left in the living room when they should be in the mud room. Water cups get taken to all corners of the house. During the second pass, I collect the misplaced items on our table, sort them according to where they need to be returned, and then I usually enlist the help of our girls to get the items to their homes, especially if it is their toys and books and coats that need to be put away.

Third Pass: Clear the surfaces. I learned a long time ago that one of the best things you can do when you want to declutter but don’t know where to start is to just clear the surfaces. Dressers, end tables, coffee tables, vanities, counters – stow the papers away, store the toiletries sitting in the cabinet, put the books back on the shelf. If you must have little items sitting out on a piece of furniture, use a bowl or a plate to collect all the things together. It is truly a breath of fresh air when you can look around a room and see clean, clear surfaces.

I spent about 45 minutes doing this “3-Pass” method today, and I felt so accomplished and refreshed by the end. My mind felt sharper and I didn’t feel consumed by clutter.

Life is going to be bustling for the next couple of months, but it doesn’t mean that you have to lose control of your house and life. Small steps add up to big progress, and something as simple as a weekly “3-Pass” can really help keep you sane.

Now about my Starbucks Drive-Thru Fast-Pass…

I said I’d show up.

And here I am.

It’s late. I meant to write earlier today, but I didn’t. I ran out of time, and now I am thinking about all the excuses I can use to get myself out of writing today.

But I am not going to do that. It’s only day 2. I am not going to give up that easily.

Not like I did when I was in labor with Noelle. The pitocin had been on for not even 5 minutes, and I was crying for the epidural. I still wonder if there is a wall in that hospital where a picture of me hangs – underneath it, a plaque that reads, “Record holder for least amount of time in labor before wanting the epidural.”

In all aspects of my life, I like to have a plan. When I was a little girl, I planned my entire wedding out of the special bridal edition of the JCPenney catalog. I knew what color my bridesmaids dresses were going to be (dusty peach) and what item number they were for easy ordering (J47). It made me feel good to plan. At an early age, I wanted that control.

Because of this, it is difficult for me to adjust my sails when the wind changes. I committed to being a teacher for the rest of my life. I was going to be one of those teachers they would honor and recognize at a 5 hour retirement ceremony with hoards of former students coming back to tell me how I influenced their lives. I could see my entire career standing freshly beyond the threshold of my college graduation.

So when I felt it in my heart to walk away from my teaching career after only 6 years of full-time elementary teaching and 3 years of part-time preschool teaching, you can imagine the internal turmoil. I emptied my classroom without a retirement party, or any party for that matter. I see former students at the grocery store, and some of them don’t even recognize me.

My life doesn’t look exactly like I thought it would, and I am learning to be alright with that.

My wedding dress also looked nothing like the pretty little number I circled in the 1993 JCPenney catalog, praise Jesus.

It’s ok to not know what the end may look like before you even begin.

When I sat down to write this evening, I didn’t know what I was going to write about, how I was going to start, or how it was going to end — and as uncomfortable as that makes me, I am learning to push through that discomfort. I truly believe that is where we grow.

The way your skin crawls when something feels awkward or uncertain? You’re growing. The way your heart thumps and your mind races when you start something new? You’re growing. The way your stomach growls and your hands tremble? You’re just hungry. You’re hungry and you need to eat. You can’t grow on an empty stomach.

Plan. Adjust. Grow. Repeat.

It has been a long while since I sat down and translated the jumbled mess of thoughts in my brain into words that made sense. The chaos of the last several weeks has gotten the best of me, and though I have found myself with a full tank of thoughts to express, I have not the slightest bit of energy or motivation to do anything with them.

Like most things, when you get out of the habit, it feels exhausting to think about jumping back on the wagon. Whether it’s eating better, exercising, or spending less time on your phone, when you make a little progress and than have a relapse, you find yourself at a crossroads. You can keep going, no matter how hard it is to start over, or you can quit and pretend like you never tried it in the first place.

Writing this blog is like that for me. Expressing myself through written word is one of my favorite things. It is cathartic. It is healing. It is exciting. But it is also draining. Pouring your heart out, knowing someone else is going to read it, wondering if it will sound the way you wanted it to, and feeling that vulnerability hangover after you press “publish” can be exhausting. And yet, I find myself loving it and wanting to keep going – for no one else but me.

So I thought to myself, “What if I committed to writing something everyday for 30 days?” I would do it for no other reason than to say that I didn’t give up on something – just once. I’ve started training for races that I never ultimately signed up for. I’ve written goals in notebooks that never had the slightest bit of life breathed into them. I’ve given up Diet Coke and Starbucks and fast food and Cadbury Eggs too many times to count, only to return to my vices with open arms.

My point is that I’m a starter, and I’m also a quitter.

But for 30 days, the whole month of November, I am going to show up here. I don’t care if anyone else shows up. I just know that I am going to. I can’t see the end from here. I have no idea what day 30 will look like (or even day 2), but I do know that I am not going to quit this time.

What could you do for 30 days straight? Aside from eat Pumpkin Delights and drink ice cold Moscato? Oh, just me?

What good could you do for yourself for 30 days straight?

See you tomorrow.