“Hey, everyone! I am going to write in my blog everyday for 30 days!”
…10 days of silence.
A couple of things.
This is a lesson on grace. And the power of evil. And the joy of struggling.
The older I get, and the deeper I dive into my faith, the more I am able to recognize patterns in the way the devil will try to get to me.
Immediately after I made a public vow to write everyday for 30 days, I immediately felt the need to quit. Negative thoughts flooded my mind.
“No one cares about what you write.”
“What you say isn’t important.”
I posted about how weekly date nights have really strengthened our marriage, and then Luke and I have argued and bickered more since that post than we have in months.
At first glance, I called it a funk. At second look, I called it a phase. Upon deeper introspection, I know exactly what it is. It is the force of evil, planting thoughts of doubt and insecurity into my mind, allowing me to believe that I am not worthy of love or success or praise. The same force has rejoiced over the past week as I allowed myself to make excuses and find endless reasons why I am not good enough.
I know this can sound like a bunch of fluff — but I really believe it. And now that I am aware and can identify the source of all of my insecurity, I know that it isn’t really an issue that I need to take weeks or months to fix. I know that with some prayer and, really, some power, I can muscle through these feelings.
I can overcome the power of evil and all my negative thoughts by resting in the truth, which I have written about before. Knowing exactly who I am, and whose I am, gives me the strength to say, “Not today, Satan.”
But it took me 10 whole days to snap out of it. And that’s where grace comes into play. I should have done that from the start — the second those negative thoughts washed over me and subsequently washed me out. I should have, but I didn’t. I wallowed in it. I felt the feelings. And then I figured it out. I am not going to punish myself for not snapping out of it sooner. I am going to give myself the gift of grace and know that there actually is joy to be found in the struggle.
No one likes to struggle. In general, it isn’t an enjoyable process. Turmoil. Fear. Anxiety. We don’t typically wake up and say, “Yes! I am going to struggle today and it is going to be AWESOME!”
But…
I have come to learn that the struggle is where God finds us, pulls us closer, gives us our “chin up” pep talk, and then helps us back on our way (which might be a completely different direction than what we originally planned).
The struggle is where, in the midst of pain, uncertainty, and doubt, you can find nearness, comfort, and unconditional love.
We’d never recognize the light if we never endured darkness.
Stay in the struggle.
